Do you sometimes feel that the only way to get cooperation is with rewards or punishment? I know I used to think that and many of the families I work with want to be peaceful parents but aren’t sure how to get cooperation without using rewards and punishments.

First of all, let’s be clear.  When we say we want cooperation, what we are really looking for is for our child(ren) to do as we ask.  Children have an innate tendency to explore, test limits, and experiment. This may make us doubt the limits we set or be reluctant to do so since our children resist.   In reality, children who have no clear and defined limits feel less secure. Parents who define predictable routines and clear boundaries as to what is possible/safe/healthy to do and what is not have a reassuring effect.

Boundaries are a form of love. They keep our kids safe. We need to set firm, consistent, loving boundaries. The message we want to send is we are limiting the behaviour but we love them unconditionally.

Boundaries are meant to protect, not control our children. They are to provide structure. Boundaries are not set in a reactionary moment out of anger or frustration. You can hold a boundary with a lot more confidence if it is set in alignment with your values.

For some, it can be difficult to define limits. It is interesting to pause for a moment to ask yourself why: Am I scared that my children no longer love me and I become the enemy? Is it tiring to have to argue with them and therefore I prefer to just give in? Am I a person who loves to please others? Some parents are afraid that setting limits create an obstacle to the development of autonomy. There are many ways to support autonomy while also setting limits and boundaries.

Your child may not like the boundary (i.e. screen time limit) and they will need to release feelings.  This does not mean you change the boundary.  Your job is to be the emotional coach and support your child with empathy.  We will walk through an example below on how to do this.  You can shift the HOW you’re going to honor the boundary, but we don’t shift the actual boundary.

If you give in to a boundary, it is terrifying for your child.  Your child may think, “Feelings inside me are actually scary and dysregulating because it makes my parents change their decision.”  Kids can smell our ambivalence.  You need to convince yourself that the boundary is for your protection or your child’s protection.  It is separate from their resistance. If you do so confidently, the child feels safe.

Firm boundaries doesn’t mean scary.  Clear boundaries actually create an environment of support around a child within which he/she can explore and engage with himself, others, and the world around him.

Boundaries also need to be set with an understanding of developmentally appropriate expectations of a child’s mental and physical development. Remembering that our pre-frontal cortex (rational, problem-solving brain) isn’t fully developed until the age of 25, meaning our children need us to help them regulate and problem solve until they develop the skills. These are skills that are learned.

So let’s talk about the 2 main components of boundaries: setting them & holding them.

Setting boundaries

They should be simple, clear, and intuitive so that children can easily understand how and why we have established them. Also, reiterate our expectations (I expect that .....). If possible, analyze the problem together and create a list of behaviors that can / cannot be used.  children should know what the boundaries are, you should discuss them as a family.

Some examples of our family values (boundaries really) are:

1. We keep each other safe.  ( We don’t yell, hit, kick, or name-call)

2. We take care of our bodies (we brush teeth, take baths and make healthy food choices)

3. We help keep our house tidy and clean.

4. We take responsibility for our actions (this means if we make a mistake we do our best to make it right and ask for help if we need it)

Below is an example of how I provide my kids with some structure. The morning and bedtime routine charts are something I have been doing since they were about 2 years old. They increasingly become independent in their tasks and you can add more things to it as they are developmentally ready. But the beauty of it is it ends the nagging. They learn to take responsibility for what they need to do and you don’t need to be so rigid with some things on what order it happens in. For example, they can get dressed before or after breakfast. As long as the bed is made before they leave the house then I’m ok with that.

Holding boundaries

Once boundaries are set, your role as a parent is to help hold those boundaries when your child is having a hard time.  This is what makes your child feel safe and secure.  You can hold a boundary while still empathizing with your child.  The reason it helps to set boundaries as a family ahead of time is that it then doesn’t make it reactionary and you can remind your child of why the limit is in place.  For example, we clean up our toys when we are done playing because it is important to keep the house clean and tidy.  They may have a negative feeling about it but you are able to still hold the boundary.  You might be flexible about it: you might decide to help them clean up or give them a choice like, “Do you want to clean up now or after dinner?”.

Let’s walk through an example:

Boundary: We keep each other safe.  (this was set ahead of time and we have them posted in our home and talk about them often).

If a child is having a hard time with this boundary here is what you can do to help hold the boundary, lovingly:

Step 1: Remove child from activating situation.  This is the first step to help your child regulate.  When they are hitting, throwing, screaming they are out of control.  They have flipped their lid and are in their lower brain of fight or flight.  This is scary for them and they need your help.  I like to tell myself, “they are having a hard time,  not giving me a hard time.  This is when they need me most.”

Move them to another room so everyone is safe. This is NOT a time-out. You go with them. Even if they are screaming, “Go away, leave me alone.”  In those moments they may think their big feelings are too much for us.  We want them to know we can handle their big feelings.  We can give them a bit of space but still be in the room with them.

Step 2: Co-regulate with your child.  Accept the feelings, not the behaviour.  “You must be so angry that your brother wouldn’t share his toy.”  Make sure you are regulated yourself.  So if you need to take a minute, that’s ok.  You can say, “I just need a minute, I’ll be right back.”  You can go splash water on your face, get a drink of water, take a few deep breaths whatever helps you to stay calm and tell yourself “Mama you got this”.  

When you come back.  Sit down on the floor.  This not only puts you on the same level as your child, it signals that you aren’t leaving and you are there with them through their big feelings.  You can say, “I’m here.  I love you.” In these moments you are teaching your child that the feelings are ok.  They can work through them and move forward.  They learn they can be resilient.  They can sit with the anger and process it, instead of it getting stuck.  It helps to normalize negative feelings and your child learns to regulate as well as positive ways to deal with them.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful if we all learned that in childhood?!

Step 3: Problem-solve together. Finally, when everyone is calm, this might be a few minutes later or for some older kids, you could wait a day or so. You want to discuss the situation and problem solve what they could do differently next time.  For younger children (<7 years old) you can offer 2 choices and invite child to come up with choices as well. For example, when you are starting to get frustrated you can take a break from play or use your words to tell your brother how you are feeling.

Remember kids learn more through what they see than what they are told. Are you modeling setting boundaries for yourself? For example, do you try to meet their every demand?  Instead of saying, “sweetie, I can play with you for 20min in 10min when I am done doing xyz.”

If you are failing as a parent to set boundaries with your kids? Book a free call to chat about how I can help.

Much love,

Jenn