I had a lot of knowledge in my head. But I was stuck there. When my child was struggling I went into a state of fight or flight. That was all I could do at the time. My child’s big feelings made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. I needed to do everything in my power to make my child’s meltdowns stop. That meant I either left the room (flight response) or I yelled, threatened or punished (fight response).

It was when I understood why my body was having this visceral fight or flight response that I opened the door to changing those patterns that were wired into my nervous system since I was a young child. I learned to go inward and understand the message my body was sending me and practiced tools to reprogram my nervous system.

The state of our nervous system creates our perception of the world, including our perception of our child’s behaviour. Read that again!

When your child ‘misbehaves’ maybe your default is going into fight mode, battling with all your might to make the behaviour stop. Maybe you are flooded with thoughts like: “this is not acceptable”, “they are being disrespectful”, “I was never allowed to behave this way”.

Or maybe you go into flight mode when you see challenging behaviours in your child, your urge is to run away or you want to numb what you are feeling. People pleasing and imposter syndrome often develop from this ‘flight’ response. You aren’t necessarily 100% fight or 100% flight. You might find some situations make you want to get away from it while others prepare you for battle.

No positive affirmation or mindset work alone will help you in these situations. Affirmations and mindset work keep us in our heads, but we actually need to learn to drop down into our body. This starts by developing some physical awareness of what is going on in your body, not only when you are upset or overwhelmed or sad but also in moments of calm. We need to know what the north star is, otherwise how do we find our way home?

What I have learned along my healing journey is though I have little conscious memories of my childhood, my body remembers. If this idea intrigues you, I highly recommend reading the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. Our triggers are the cues. Which is why we can’t think through our nervous system. We can’t use verbal language to speak to our autonomic nervous system.

Our nervous system is there to keep us safe. Growing up we created patterns from our experiences, patterns to keep us safe. They served us well however they no longer serve us in parenting so we need to reprogram our nervous system. Luckily our body is designed to do so thanks to neuroplasticity.

In our early years if we didn’t have harmonious interactions with our primary caregivers, learned that your concerns or voice didn’t matter, we didn’t learn to feel safe in our body and thus learn to regulate. Self-regulation is developed through co-regulation with a safe caregiver. When that is missing, our nervous system becomes stressed.

All parents need help to raise securely attached children, parents who experienced trauma in their childhood, in particular, need help to be attuned to their children’s needs.

Good things don’t feel good at first. Being truly seen and vulnerable, when our system has gone a lifetime without them, it can feel too much. We need to step towards it in tolerable amounts. Growing in safety. Our nervous system is designed to protect us, isn’t it amazing?

Is it safe, dangerous or life-threatening? Our nervous system is like a database and looks back in our history, in a millisecond to decipher. Taking nanoseconds to make decisions for our safety.

Imagine we hear a lion. Our systems might think, lion is far enough away that we might be able to do something about it. To conserve energy, our thinking brain shuts off because we need to focus on surviving. Our immune system shuts off, we don’t need to stay healthy at this moment. Our digestive system shuts down - we don’t need to digest at this moment. All your body needs to focus on is protecting you.

If we did not grow up with a secure attachment, we may have a hard time deciphering between danger and safety. So if you are struggling to achieve your goals, it could be your protective parts are stopping you because pursuing these achievements don’t feel safe. So we need to teach our protective parts to feel safe in those uncomfortable moments by dipping our toe in. Then our protective parts learn that our past is over. They don’t need to protect us in those situations as strongly. What wasn’t safe, is now safe. There is no lion. That is healing.

Notice I mentioned dip our toe in? We don’t want to drown in it. Have a specific time to get curious about some beliefs or thoughts you are holding onto. For me, it was that I wasn’t good enough or my voice didn’t matter. So writing this took a lot of courage for me as the thought did show up, “who is going to care about what you have to say?”, “who are you to share these ideas?” I noticed those thoughts, thanked them for showing up and trying to keep me safe and letting them know I don’t need them to show up as fiercely anymore. Even if no one reads this, it is healing for me to write it. Find what supports you to get back to calm when you notice thoughts popping up that no longer serve you. For me, having my dog or cat beside me and petting them is calming. Just a few minutes is supportive for me.

So I had mentioned 6 tools I wanted to share that have helped me find more safety in my body which has supported me to stay calm and regulated when my children are not. Here they are…

Tool #1: Learning language of feelings and needs

Most of us didn’t learn this growing up. Research shows that when we are able to name our feelings, they reduce in intensity. Practice doing a few check-ins throughout the day and notice what you are feeling.

Tip

You can download the How We Feel app to support yourself in this process. Or I also love Grok cards. There is also a kids version which is amazing. You can check them out here.

Tool #2: Nourish your body with healthy foods

The foods we eat play a big role in our ability to regulate.  When I limited the number of coffees I was drinking and sugar, I started to feel better.  This is not often spoken about in parenting books but the same goes for our children.  Gut health has a huge impact on our mood and behaviours. So go ahead and eat those fermented foods for a boost of good gut bacteria…sauerkraut or kimchi maybe?

Tip

Interested in learning more about this gut-brain connection? Read this.

Tool #3: Time in nature

Time in nature is so healing for our nervous system. Benefits of time in nature include:

1. Increased feelings of calm

2. Release of endorphins and dopamine that promote feelings of happiness

3. Reduced stress and depression

4. Reduced irritability

5. Lower blood pressure

It doesn’t need to be for very long. Maybe a walk around the block. Notice how nature has the power to shift your mood.

Tool #4: Meditation

Meditation is like training for a marathon. If we practice meditation out of the moment (e.g. in moments of calm), it helps us stay regulated in those challenging parenting and life moments.

If you have struggled with meditation in the past, would you be willing to reframe what a meditation practice looks like? It might simple be finding moments in your day to be fully present. To notice the thoughts that are racing in your mind but not getting sucked in, instead viewing them as clouds drifting by. You can do this while walking, combine it with your time in nature.

Tip

You can try a practice many of my clients find helpful to incorporate in their day: 5-4-3-2-1.

Initially stillness might feel uncomfortable or unsafe in your body, so start slow and start a meditation practice that includes movement.

Tool #5: Cold Exposure

Cold exposure stimulates your entire nervous system. Your initial response might be to ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ the cold but the only way to stay in is to develop resiliency by surrendering. This fight or flight activation is similar to when we are triggered by our child’s behaviour. Cold exposure helps us get comfortable with those uncomfortable moments. It can be a cold plunge, cold shower, or simply splashing cold water on your face or holding or chewing ice cubes. You chose where to start.

Note: This may not be appropriate for everyone.

Tool #6: Plant medicine

So I have to admit I am a bit nervous sharing my opinion on such a controversial matter but part of my journey is having the courage to use my voice and because I have seen amazing results micro-dosing I need to share this experience. 

Disclaimer: This is purely for information sharing my experience only and the benefits I derived. Note that psilocybin and LSD are deemed Schedule I substances under the United Nations 1971 Convention on Psychotropic Substances and are illegal in most countries. As the author of this article, I do not condone the purchase, possession, sale, or consumption of any illegal substances.

My goal was to get the mental health benefits without the hallucinogenic high.  Research has shown it to improve mood, boost creativity and make the world a brighter, shinier quality. I wanted that.

I’ve done a lot of therapy and inner healing work to make sense of my past, heal limiting beliefs and those all made a great difference but there were still parts of me that felt stuck.  Since making this massive career pivot, I battled negative self-talk, imposter syndrome, feelings like ‘who am I to do this?’ I would persevere because that’s what I do but I wanted it to feel less like trudging through the mud and more of a glide with less resistance.

Shifts I noticed:

• Way more positive

• Greater focus and clarity (coming as a self-diagnosed ADHD adult)

• Level of stress and overwhelm significantly reduced

• Less dysregulated moments and greater ease of coming back to calm

I’ve been micro-dosing every 3-5 days for the past few months and it has been a game changer. I did a macro dose to start and I am working through processing what came up from it and then I plan to do another macro dose to see if any other things come up for me to continue my growth journey. If you are intrigued, I can share more resources on this but will leave it at that for now.  Reach out if you want to chat more about this.

At the end of the day you need to build your own tool belt.  Above are things that are in mine that have supported me to be the parent and person I want to be.  Learning to connect our mind and body unlocks the potential for us to achieve all that we desire for ourselves and our families.

You got this!