Does just saying the word boundary have you cringing or scared to death?  I get it.  I struggle with boundaries and I am working on feeling more confident and comfortable in setting and holding boundaries.  But I share this because when you learn to set boundaries and tune in to what you are needing, you go from chaos to calm. Keep reading to understand why and steps to successfully setting boundaries.

What is a boundary?

Boundaries are physical, emotional, material, time/energy, mental and physical limits we set for ourselves and others.  Boundaries help define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others.

Why are boundaries important?  

Let’s face it, life and especially the holidays can be overwhelming and stressful.  Juggling career, family and personal life can take a toll.  Add all the extra responsibilities that can come around the holiday time and it can throw us over the edge.  If we don’t set boundaries we are giving away our energy and impacting the health of our relationships.  Establishing boundaries creates more harmony, reduces stress and prevents burnout.  It also allows us to keep our sense of self that we may have lost along the way.

Almost everyone struggles with boundaries because most of us never saw the adults in our lives have them.  Maybe you had a mother that said ‘yes’ to everything even if she was exhausted or a father who put the needs of others before his own.  Society rewards these types of behaviours.  Growing up we may have felt responsible for other people's feelings - especially those of our parents.  Coming from an Italian family this couldn’t be more true.  The mantra was “Family is everything”.  

What goes unnoticed is how we feel and how healthy our relationships are.  When boundaries are not set anger and resentment build.  When we don’t stand up for ourselves and set healthy boundaries, stress builds and can lead to burnout.  

Are you ready for change?  Ready to strengthen your boundary setting muscle? 👇👇👇

3 Steps to Setting Boundaries

Step 1: Determining if a boundary is needed

This could be the trickiest part. Do I need to set a boundary or is status quo ok? Ask yourself these questions to help determine if a boundary is needed:

1. Do you have a hard time saying ‘no’?  Do you say ‘yes’, even if you regret it later or feel overwhelmed and stressed at what you have just taken on.  People pleasers have a hard time saying no.

2. Do you feel guilt, shame or some other emotion when you put your needs ahead of what someone else wants?  Perhaps you say ‘no’ but then you are weighed down by feelings of guilt or shame.  

3. You are unclear about your own needs.  You have lost yourself getting everyone else’s needs met that you have no idea what you need.  

4. Do you feel overwhelmed as you think about the growing list of holidays “to dos”?

5. Does your extended family offer unsolicited advice, criticize your choices or make you feel you have to do the holidays their way?

As I mentioned, most of us struggle with setting boundaries and that makes sense.  It is a skill we need to develop.  If you are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated and losing your cool more often than you’d like it is likely a sign that there are some boundaries that need to be set.

Reflect on what boundaries you may need.  Start with tuning in to what your body is telling you, where you feel tightness at the thought of some of the holiday responsibilities.

Step 2: Communicating your boundary

We struggle with boundaries because of our own feelings.  We might not want to deal with our own feelings that come up when we communicate the boundary.  We feel bad. The key to effectively communicating boundaries is making it about us.  Use ‘I’ statements to convey your feelings and expectations.

For example: “I need to keep our child’s bedtime routines.  We will be coming over for dinner on Christmas and leaving in time for their bedtime routines at 7pm.”

The person you are setting a boundary with will have a feeling about it and that is not yours to take on.  They may try to make you feel guilty about it or tell you you are being selfish.  They may perceive it as an ultimatum.  Keep the focus on this is about me, my limit for me.  Don’t get me wrong this is hard and this is part of the practice in developing your boundary muscle.

Response formula if they push back: Empathy + boundary reminder

Boundaries suck, especially when we are creating them with our family.  When we change the dynamic it is uncomfortable.  On the other side of the discomfort is a healthy relationship.  Our anger and resentment reduces.  If you don’t like something but you tolerate it, it won’t change.  You either accept that and the ripple effect it has on your life and that of your family or you decide it is time for change and accept that others may not like it.  But in the long run if you protect your energy and feel calmer and more present, wouldn’t you say it is worth the short term discomfort?

Remember:

1. Other people’s feelings are not your responsibility.  How people feel about your actions is based on their own previous experiences in the world.  They have little or nothing to do with you.  You are not responsible for the feelings that come up in them.  Doesn’t mean you cannot validate or empathize but you do not need to take responsibility for their feelings.

2. Set the boundary and then zip it.  You may feel the need to over-explain, apologize or rationalize your choices, this is not necessary. 

Step 3: Maintaining your boundary

Like I said, the person you are setting a boundary with may not like it and may ignore it.  Setting boundaries is not a one-time thing, it requires ongoing consistency and reinforcement.  This is on you to maintain the boundary.  Remember why you are setting the boundary: for your own well-being and happiness which has a ripple effect on your children.

Boundaries are not easy but they are important if we want to break cycles and tune into our own needs.  What works for me may not be the answer for you.  It starts with learning to tune into ourselves.

Want some support in setting and holding boundaries? Book a call with me.