15 ways to say “no”, without saying “no”
“Don’t push your brother!”
“No, you can’t have that”
“No don’t touch that”
“Don’t raise your voice at me!”
“Don’t grab things without asking”
How does it feel to read those statements? I know sometimes I would feel like I am entering a battle against my child. Parent versus child! The power struggle results in battles where no one wins. But the good news is, it doesn’t have to be that way!
Kids are weird to explore. The word “no” goes against this need to explore, test limits and develop a sense of autonomy. Repeated use of the word “no” prevents our child from developing the skills they need in life. They learn to obey, not understand and explore and be curious.
Once the battle is triggered, it prepares our child for conflict, their armour is up. How could you not be in conflict once a battle is initiated. Would you choose to be in a relationship where you felt commanded and dictated over?
When we use the word “no” so many times it loses its significance. It becomes like background music they have gotten used to by now and tuned out.
Though the word “no” loses its power, the battle and conflict we initiated remains. There is a rift in our relationship with our child. Sometimes when a child hears a list of all the things they shouldn’t do, they might say or think, “I would never do that anyway”, the thought may have never crossed their mind. “Don’t touch your dress! Your hands are full of chocolate!”. Have you been in a similar situation? While we are thinking about all the reasons a dirty dress is problematic, the child is thinking, “This is a great experiment! Let’s see what happens if I touch my white dress with my dirty hands. What color will I be able to create? Thanks mom for giving me this fantastic idea.” Are you thinking what I’m thinking? We are doing something good but instead become the architect of our own demise. We probably also agree that a parent who takes their child’s education and development to heart must be able to say that 2 letter word, “no”. What’s more important than saying “no”, is how we say it.
There are effective ways to educate our children without creating a rift in our relationship. There are effective ways of saying “no” without actually saying it. Like what, you ask? For example, we can suggest to our child what to do, instead of telling them what not to do.
Imagine it is your first day at a new job, you’re overwhelmed by a thousand new things you need to learn in a short period of time. Your boss, instead of showing you how things work, continuously says: “No, not like that.” You’d probably come home frustrated and with a big headache at the thought of having to go back the next day. Well, it’s the same for children. If they are given orders and not information, how can they learn what to do and what not to do? After all, to discipline is to teach.
The “no” without teaching increases the rift in our relationship. It also makes it more likely that the child will continue to make the mistake as they haven’t learnt why they can’t do something or what they should do instead.
Instead of “Don’t hit your sister” let’s show them acceptable ways to interact with other children without hurting them. “You caress like this,” “Hug like this”. Instead of “stop moving” while I am trying to put your shoes on, let’s tell them what to expect and how they can help us: “Let’s see if you can push your foot in all the way while I keep the shoe in place.”
It’s not easy to limit the use of the word “no” as they have become such automatic responses, in short, habits, our default pattern. Breaking the habit of saying “no” takes time and practice but can be done using some techniques.
No’s have an ambivalent effect on parents. If we don’t say it enough we are afraid of being too permissive and raising “spoiled” children. If we say it too often, we risk breaking the relationship with our child and no one wins.
Fortunately, there are at least 15 effective techniques to say “no” to our children without saying it. 15 techniques to educate our children with respect. Amazing right? Here are some of my favourite for you to be inspired from:
1. Explain why in a simple way, considering the age and development of your child. Instead of saying, “don’t scream!” explain to them why you don’t like them screaming. “This sound is hurting my ears! Lower your voice, please.” Rather than, “don’t touch the vase” try to describe what could happen if you touch it. “This can break easily, let’s put it on the table.” The “no”, “do not scream”, “do not touch” are phrases that do not provide any information to a child and don’t allow them to learn or visualize cause and effect relationships in their head.
2. Play and be creative. Play almost always puts a child in a good mood and a happy child is more inclined to listen and cooperate more easily. Instead of saying “stop moving” while trying to put shoes on your child we can invite them to play: “Move like a bird” and “Now become a statue”, so the child stands still and we can help them get ready to go out. We can surprise a screaming child by, “Shh! Listen well! Have you heard?!” After a few seconds of silence, ask them in a whisper: “What did you hear? Did you hear what I heard?”, “Did you hear grandma talking? Did you hear your sister crying? Did you hear the car?”.
3. Create acceptable alternatives. Instead of “don’t throw the ball inside the house”, we think of a different way to support their need to play and throw safely: “Do you want to throw things today? Good! Let’s blow up these balloons and throw them everywhere!”.
4. Instead of saying “no”, say “yes”. We often tend to answer “no” when in reality the real answer is “not now”. When asked, “Can I have a cookie?” you might reply: “of course, when we have finished dinner you can choose the one you want.” Answering “no” to this type of question can also confuse a child. They might think, “Will I NEVER be able to have a cookie again?!” Thinking this can be catastrophic and result in big emotions.
5. Blame it on the dentist! Using authority figures often helps. “You would eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wonder what the dentist would think about that. The next time we go to the dentist we should ask.” Depending on the situation, we can refer to the teacher, the doctor, etc.….
6. Ask your child! If your daughter moves as fast as mine, you may have gotten distracted for just a couple of minutes and found her with your phone in her hand trying to figure out the code to unlock it. Instead of saying, “No! What are you doing?!”, I say” “Could you give me the phone? Mom forgot to put it on the charger, how careless of me.” Asking always carries some risk, in case the answer is “no” you have nine other strategies that can save your phone.
7. Remind them what happened to…. I’m not kidding, sometimes referring to their favourite books or cartoons help. When my daughter was 2 years old she was hooked on 2 popular bunnies, Max & Ruby. Poor Max, Ruby’s younger brother, used to get into all kinds of mischief and would face the consequences. I have to admit I’ve used Max on more than one occasion: Tessa: “Mom can I have another piece of cake?”, Me: “Tessa, do you remember what happened to Max when he ate too much cake?”, Tessa: “Yes he had a stomach ache and it was terrible.”, Me: “Exactly!”. Often there is no need to add anything else.
8. A few words to the wise. If you know your child already knows how to behave in a certain situation, you can simply avoid a “no” by using an exclamation to get their attention. Instead of saying, “No, don’t leave the fridge door open!”, just say “oh-oh” or “fridge!” and your gaze turns to the fridge to help them understand what you expect.
9. Ask them for the rule. When children know a rule well but are not respecting it, you can avoid using phrases such as “no, you don’t eat in the playroom!” by asking them to remember the rule themselves. “Where do we eat our snacks?” This technique not only reinforces the knowledge of the rule but helps control your own temper. We give our child a second chance and we will often be rewarded.
10. Allow your child to face the consequences whenever possible. We live in Canada and it is cold in the winter. Quite cold. One morning last winter my daughter decided she wasn’t going to wear gloves. I was faced with 2 options: 1. I could have argued with her for 10 minutes and become the enemy or 2. Not argued and let the real enemy, in this case, the cold, do its job. I went with option 2 and told her she could go out without gloves, that I would take them with me in my bag in case she changed her mind. The second we stepped out of the house she decided to put her gloves on, realizing for herself that it was cold.
11. Encourage autonomy. Involving your child in decisions, creating posters together with routines to follow in the morning and at bedtime, giving them two options to consider that are acceptable to us and interesting to them, proposing ways to help are some of the many ways to fill their intrinsic need for autonomy and decision-making power.
12. Problem-solving. When children are a little older (4+) one way to facilitate compliance with the rules is to involve them in creating the rules themselves. We are all more motivated to follow the rules if we have had input.
13. Share your expectations. My daughter loves to play with my dresses and shoes. Before she starts her dress-up game I tell her firmly, “I expect my clothes and shoes to be returned in the same condition they were delivered in.” Simple, direct and clear.
14. Anticipate the problem. How could we expect our child to sit still during a 6-hour flight or a long wait at the doctor’s office? Taking a cue from medical studies, “Prevention is better than a cure.” Planning on ways to use that time during the flight or doctor’s office and being prepared with activities will result in a smoother experience for all. Creativity can come in handy.
15. Write a message. Now that my daughter can read, I write her notes everywhere. If even one day passes without finding one, she asks me sadly why there wasn’t a note. Notes can be hidden in school lunch boxes (“Eat me today! I’m delicious and I have magical power: I help you see better. With love, carrot.”) or next to the front door, (“We are well hung here, the floor is too dirty for us. With much love and thank you, coat, gloves and hat.”)
I hope these techniques inspire you on ways to say “no” without saying “no”!
Much love,
Valentina