Is asking this question killing your parenting?| Your Transformed Family
The question I get asked most often from parents dealing with a challenging or confusing behaviour in their child is, “How do I get rid of it?”. I know this was the question I used to ask myself all the time. Often when we are focused on getting rid of a behaviour we use strategies like rewards (You’ll get M&Ms if you pee in the potty) or consequences (withholding screen time if child is hitting or not listening). But if these child discipline strategies worked you wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed and frustrated in your parenting.
They may feel like they work temporarily but they don’t result in lasting behaviour change. Why? Because these parenting strategies are based on the assumption that your child has volitional control of their actions. In most cases, that is not in fact true. The child is likely doing the best they can in that moment. So the rewards or consequences only frustrate a child and contribute to a negative self-image.
Would you be willing to look at parenting and your children differently?
If you think of an iceberg, behaviours are what you see. What we need to do as parents is get curious about the behaviours. Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of it?”, asking “What is this telling me about my child?”. This is the essence of conscious parenting.
Many behaviours are a child’s best attempt at getting a need met and often a response to stress, not intentional misbehaviour. As parents, we sometimes have unrealistic expectations of our child. Expecting them to be able to logically connect their thoughts, emotions and behaviours when they simply can’t…yet. And if I’m being honest, many adults struggle with this too.
How often have you said the words, “Calm down” or “Use your words.” to your child? I was definitely guilty of this until I realized they weren’t intentionally giving me a hard time, they were having a hard time and needed my help. We expect our children to have impulse control when in fact, developmentally they are not able to.
When you look at the situation and shift your lens to think, “My child can’t self-regulate their emotions and behaviours, yet” does it allow you to have more empathy for them? Does it allow you to look for ways to support them?
One of the main reasons parents feel so frustrated about a child’s behaviour is because of this “expectation gap”. They started walking, talking and doing things independently but we forget their brain is still developing and continues to develop until their mid-twenties. Impulse control, rational thinking (all higher brain functions) is a skill that is learned through active engagement with caregivers.
Take a look at some key stages of brain development below. Does any of it surprise you? Does it help give you perspective on what is going on for your child and reset expectations of what they are realistically capable of doing?
This is alot of information to take-in. Do you want to chat about where your child is at or discuss a challenge you are currently facing? Book a free call.
Lower Brain: Beginning at birth and coming to develop until ages 2 or 3
Developing physical coordination.
Seeking safety - does my caregiver respond to my cues?
Learning patterns and language.
Middle Brain: Beginning around age 3, and coming to development between ages 7-12
Feelings and emotions are the main focus of development.
Children are learning how to contain emotions and identify feelings.
Child is still completely dependent on co-regulation when stressed.
The middle brain holds our emotional regulatory centres, and our impulse control. These are just beginning to develop and will require consistent warmth, empathy, modelling, and compassion in order to fully develop.
Our belief systems are formed during this time. Supportive and life enhancing beliefs are formed when the system feels safe and calm.
Limiting beliefs are formed when the system does not feel safe, and the brain is stuck in the amygdala (stress, fear, aggression, shame), and hippocampus (memory).
Frontal Lobe/Prefrontal Cortex: Beginning around age 7-12, and coming to development about the age of 25
Beginning at age 7, if the brain has integrated fully in a warm and safe environment, the prefrontal cortex, or the front of the brain, begins to develop.
The frontal cortex does not truly take flight until adolescence, when the teenage brain is restructuring itself and experiencing a rapid die off of old synapses and neurons, and a rebirth of neural pathways. (“Brainstorm” by Daniel Siegel is a great resource for the teenage brain if your child is at that stage)
Keep in mind some of the key things that occur in the prefrontal cortex:
—> Foresight and consideration of the future (that is why most of our kids have a hard time with delayed gratification or the idea of waiting!)
—> Understanding cause and effect (aka understanding impact of our actions)
—> Problem solving
—> Emotional self-regulation
—> Focusing attention
—> Empathy and truly understanding how their actions impact others
Would you be willing to look at your parenting and child differently? Asking yourself “what is going on with my child right now"? instead of “How do I get rid of this behaviour?”.
Breaking cycles to become the parent we want to be starts with awareness and a change in perspective. You got this!
Jenn
