Understand Why Your Child Misbehaves
Navigating how to manage a child’s challenging behavior is difficult for many parents, but understanding why a kid behaves the way they do might be just as or even more of an issue. Do you ever feel like there’s no rhyme nor reason when your little darling decides they would rather act up than listen?
I find reminding myself ALL behaviour is an attempt to get a need met helpful; if we become emotional scientists decoding our “problem-child’s” behaviour they will be more likely to cooperate. This will also help them develop skills to positively get their needs met. Now wouldn’t this be a lovely gift to give our kids ☺
NOTE: This article is about 758 words. If you want to learn 5 simple tips to get your kids cooperation you can download my “5 Tips to Cooperation” PDF right here. It’s free!
Children that don’t listen usually have an unmet need. If they have an unmet need, it is really difficult to get their cooperation.
Our child's needs are vast and oftentimes layered, just like ours. As your child’s needs are met, then your child may experience higher vibration feelings, such as happiness, delight, amusement, security, and comfort.
However, when these needs are not met, your child may experience lower vibration feelings of sadness, confusion, fear, frustration, and anger. The difficult child is the child who is unhappy.
So, let’s look at a common misbehaviour scenario and what could be going on for your child and how to best support them and move to cooperation.
Scenario: Time to Turn Off Screen
Let’s say it is time to turn off the TV/gaming console and your child is yelling and screaming that they want more time. You could angrily grab the remote, turn it off and yell, “That’s it, no more TV/gaming for you for 1 month.” I’ve definitely done that in the past when I wasn’t able to regulate myself and take a moment to understand what was going on for my child.
So, what can you do instead? First of all, having clear limits on screen time is a good start but that doesn’t mean that when it comes time to turn off the TV/device that they won’t have a big reaction to it. If they do, here is a sample script you can inspire from:
Child: Being deviant or yelling that they want more screen time.
Parent: Sit down beside them and take a deep breath. Make sure you are calm. Remind yourself, “They are having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.” Then say something like,
“Playing Minecraft is so much fun! I get it, it’s hard to turn it off. What are you building over there?” (Empathize and ask a question to show interest – kids love to talk about what they love! And helps them to regulate). If they are not regulated, do not use words as they cannot hear you. Read my blog on holding space here instead.
Child: Tells you about what they are doing.
Parent: “So interesting that you chose to put a block there.” (make a specific comment on what they are doing or watching). “We need to turn off the TV/console in 5min. What do you want to finish doing before then?”
Child: shares what they want to finish.
Great, you are about halfway understanding kids negative behaviour. Just a reminder if you want 5 simple tips to get your kids cooperation you can get it as a PDF download, right here. It’s free.
If they still have a hard time:
Parent: “I see you are having a hard time turning off the TV/device.” Calmly take the controller. “I am going to help you turn it off.” Turn off the TV/device.
If your child is having a big meltdown again refer to blog on holding space for big feelings.
When your child is misbehaving, think about which of these 7 core needs they might need to filling up on:
Sleep
Food
Acceptance
Affection
Autonomy
Appreciation
Connection
In the above example, one assumption could be that the child is needing acceptance. Acceptance that they love the show or game they are playing and that it is hard to turn it off. If we get upset with them without empathizing, it can just intensify and escalate the same behaviour. Acknowledging their feelings and empathizing with them while using reflective listening helps them learn to regulate and deal with disappointment.
All feelings are ok, it is the behaviour we want to correct.
Want support in decoding your child’s behaviour and learning tools to move to cooperation?
