Are you inadvertently killing your child’s intrinsic motivation?
Do you feel that threatening or bribing is the only way to get your child to do anything?
Kids going frantic at bedtime. Being silly. Running around everywhere but into the bathtub. I start to feel ignored and my anger starts to rise. “If you don’t get into the bath right NOW, there will be no story.” As soon as the words would come out of my mouth I would feel awful. How can I punish them with something we all desperately need to wind down? Storytime is one of our favourite times. Does a scenario like that sound familiar in your house?
Have you ever noticed how punishments only escalate a situation instead of de-escalating? My kids would dig in or completely shut down. We would be going head-to-head in a battle where no one wins. We have just triggered their fight or flight response. Their frontal cortex is offline. They can no longer hear anything you are saying. They are in survival mode. The fight/flight response is a survival mechanism all humans have. It helps us stay alive and avoid pain. When it is activated, the logical brain is shut down. All someone cares about is their own well-being. We are basically telling our kids they aren’t good enough, they are bad.
Think about the qualities you want your child to have as an adult. If you want to raise kids that are caring, empathetic, connected, and ethical, then punishments are not likely to achieve that goal. They may actually be inadvertently teaching our kids to become manipulative as well as creating fear they will lose our love. Being told things like, “Go to your room!” or time-outs, builds a feeling of abandonment. Their self-esteem takes a hit as does their ability to self-regulate anxiety and aggression. Skills I know most parents want to foster. The child will start to feel shame and guilt and resentment towards the parent grows. I know I don’t have a relationship with my father today because of this. I don’t want to repeat those patterns. I want my kids to feel unconditional love and connection to me.
So, you might be thinking, rewards must be a good thing then, right? Nope. “Rewards and punishments are two sides of the same coin and that coin doesn’t buy your much” Alfie Kohn. An example Alfie Kohn talks about is a library’s Summer Reading program. Something like whoever reads the most books would win a pizza. These kids, mostly already enjoyed reading books which is why they knew about the library and program to begin with. Now something they had done for enjoyment had turned into work. It actually made the children less interested in reading for pleasure. The message was, if you do enough reading, you will get something good. It became perceived by the children as “work”. The child may pause and think, “I don’t like doing this when I have to but when I want to”.
Rewards are still about controlling our child’s behaviour. The effect can wear off or even backfire. When you ask your child to clear the table, don’t be surprised if you hear: “what do I get for doing it?”. Stickers, stars lead to compliance (at least for some kids) but for many compliance isn’t internal motivation which means it isn’t instilling qualities you may want your child to develop.
We kill intrinsic motivation with rewards. Rewards also focus on celebrating wins but what about the learnings from things that didn’t go so well? We are not recognizing effort and progress. We are sending the message that we only love them when they succeed. Resilience is built by failing and trying again and again. Rewards do not foster this. Rewards and Punishments both say “You only deserve love and good things if you meet someone else’s standards.”
The assumption with rewards and punishments is that kids need to be controlled to be “good”. But what if we believe that kids are inherently good. They are born with intrinsic motivation unless we train them otherwise! They are empathetic and loving, they want to listen and cooperate. What if we were on the same team, instead of us versus them? Sound crazy?
When a child misbehaves, what if we ask ourselves, what need is going unmet. All behaviours, adults & children, is an attempt to get our needs met. Some basic needs ALL kids have are unconditional love, connection, attention, empathy, affection, appreciation, growth, safety, and independence. Instead of viewing my children’s behaviour as something I need to “trust and control” I view it as an opportunity for communication and connection. The negative behaviour is an attempt to reach out for help. But instead of help, punishments are telling them that they are bad. It is an opportunity to understand the beginning of the “story” versus focusing on the behaviour that came at the end.
Can you look at the situation with your child and begin to understand what core need has been unmet that led to the negative behaviour? In another post I will cover some brain science and what is developmentally appropriate by age.
If there are no rewards and punishments, how do we get cooperation? It starts by focusing on family values. Good values are grown from the inside out. Just because there are no rewards and punishments doesn’t mean it is permissive parenting. What there is instead are limits and boundaries aligned to our family values.
When things get uncomfortable or going against one of our family values, I pause and ask myself…
Does my child have an unmet need? Become an emotion scientist. Remember the basic needs of a child I mentioned above.
Hold space for my child to safely let out their big emotions.
When calm, talk about feelings and needs. Problem-solve together.
5 Tips as you move away from rewards & punishments
Be clear about rules and expectations. These are the boundaries and limits you want to establish for your child. You can help them physically and stop sibling fighting. For example, “I can’t let you hit your brother.” You get in between them and stop the hitting.
Set predictable routines. These are voluntary activities, for example brushing teeth, cleaning up. You may hate structure but this helps kids know what to expect. You can still be flexible if you need to. For example, for bedtime, you can’t force a child to sleep. You can position it as this is now time to rest. As my son would say, “telling me to go to sleep, doesn’t help me fall asleep.” You can create an environment that is relaxing so they can go to sleep. For example, that is where a calming routine helps kids to settle down and prepare for sleep.
Model positive behaviour. They are watching!! You want to help them develop skills to set their own boundaries so start with setting your own boundaries and limits. For example, “I can’t let you play with mommy’s expensive jewellery, let’s go play in another room.”
Let them express their emotions and then problem-solve together. Once you have created a safe space to express feelings/needs in different ways (e.g. drawing, punching a pillow, crying, etc…), teach your child how to problem solve and make amends. What could we do to make this right? How can we make your sister/brother feel better? Don’t miss this teaching opportunity.
Focus on natural consequences. For example, instead of having a battle on wearing hats and mitts to go out, agree to put it in their backpack and if they get cold they will have them. The natural consequence is they go out without them and then realize they are cold. They just learned a great lesson about dressing appropriately. Same for dinner time, instead of a food battle if you ask: “Is your tummy telling you that you are full? They will be no more food until breakfast.” They then learn to trust themselves and when they are hungry. Homework battles? Let them take responsibility. Don’t nag them to do it. It doesn’t get done, they will face the natural consequences at school. With remote learning, I hear so many parents whispering in their kid’s ear the “right” answer. This is not helping them. Let them stumble and learn they can recover.
Moving away from rewards and punishments takes practice. It is rewiring our default pattern. But is so worth it not just for our kids but for ourselves. It isn’t how most of us were raised. “People pleasers once needed to be parent pleasers.” Rewards and punishments are about fear, losing affection, being rejected, yelled at, or punished. It was scary so we pleased. But that comes with shame and insecurities. It is robbing our child of intrinsic motivation. So let’s practice, practice, practice to get out of the cycle of rewards and punishments. Be safe Be kind Be helpful.
Share with me how your practice is going and I can provide you feedback.
Much love,
Jenn & Valentina
