Demystifying Parenting Styles | Your Transformed Family
Unsure of which parenting style is best for you and your family? This blog post will help to clear up the confusion.
It can be confusing when we hear so many different parenting approaches: peaceful parenting, conscious parenting, gentle parenting, awakened parenting, positive parenting, attachment parenting, empowered parenting and the latest sturdy parenting.
All of these terms ultimately mean the same thing in terms of how discipline, communication, nurturance and expectations are looked at. It doesn’t mean that you are 100% one way over the other. But what is the dominant way you parent? The goal is not about being a perfect parent but doing the best we can and when we falter we can repair. We want to build a strong relationship with our child.
The work of Diane Baumrind in the 1960s created one commonly-referenced categorization of parenting styles.
The 4 Baumrind parenting styles have distinct names and characteristics:
Authoritarian or Disciplinarian
Permissive or Indulgent
Uninvolved
Authoritative (aka Peaceful, conscious Parenting, etc…)
Let’s look at each one separately.
Authoritarian or Disciplinarian
Philosophy: “I am the parent and I am always right!”
Characteristics:
Very high expectations
Very strict rules
Parent wants control over every aspect of child’s life
Misbehaviour is usually dealt with by yelling or punishment
Parent tends to be harsh
Child’s voice doesn’t matter
Child tends to be obedient and proficient but not very happy and has low self-esteem
Child lacks social competence
Example: A child raised in an authoritarian family that doesn’t want to eat the food that the parents decided to put on the table will be punished and forced to eat.
Children raised in predominantly this manner tend to lack self-esteem because the message they are continually getting from the person that is supposed to love them the most is that they are not good enough. If you need to be controlled it means you can’t be trusted to do the right thing. Helicopter parenting has similar aspects to authoritarian parenting. These parents have a high need for control and often obsess over their children’s successes and attempt to shelter their child from failures.
Parenting in this way can hinder a child's ability to learn integral life skills, confidence, and self-sufficiency. They may grow into people pleasing adults who lack a sense of self.
2. Permissive or Indulgent
Philosophy: “I want to be your friend, not parent.”
Characteristics:
Parent avoids making demands of child
Parent does not provide guidelines or rules
Child has a lot of autonomy to make decisions
Children raised this way tend to be impulsive, aggressive and very immature as well as bossy, self-centered and rebellious when asked to do something that conflict with their own desires
Child has sense of entitlement
Lack self-control, independence and tend to perform poorly in school
Example: A children raised in a permissive family can eat meals when they feel like it and decide what they would like to eat.
Baumrind (1967) and Berk (1998). found that children of permissive parents were often impulsive and aggressive and very immature. They were more likely to be bossy, self centred and rebellious when asked to do something that conflicted with their desires. They also lack self control, independence, they tend to perform poorly in school probably because accepting responsibility is difficult for many of them.
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3. Uninvolved
Philosophy: “I’ve met your basic needs of food, clothing and shelter now leave me alone!”
Characteristics:
Parent has little interest in the child’s life and often fails to supervise
Don’t spend much time together
Parent doesn’t respond to child’s emotional needs
Child doesn’t have limits, expectations or structure
Children tend to develop behavioural problems like aggression and lack of self-control. → they were never taught it!
Example: If the child doesn’t want to have dinner they will probably be relieved because they don’t need to cook.
As teenagers, children raised in this manner are more likely to become hostile and antisocial.
4. Authoritative
Philosophy: “We are equals. I am your guide on this journey of life.”
Characteristics:
Reasonable & Clear Expectations
Nurturing
Continuous learning to better understand our child
Rules are explained and discussed with the child instead of resorting to threats and punishments.
Curiosity about brain science, research findings from attachment science and how children communicate, learning what to expect from them at different ages.
Example: Meal is likely planned together and made as a family. Child can choose what and how much of a food to put on their plate. They are guided to listen to their body cues of hunger and satiated.
This style is thought to be most beneficial to children. Children with parents who demonstrate this style tend to be self-disciplined and independent thinkers but also friendly, cheerful, self-reliant, self-controlled, curious, and cooperative. They are less likely to report depression and anxiety, and less likely to engage in antisocial behaviour like delinquency and drug use when older.
Think about your parenting goals and what values you want to instil in your children. Which style of parenting will support you best in achieving those goals. As I mentioned, we are never 100% one style of parenting over another and it may also depend on the situation but we all have a more dominant style.
When I work with parents we uncover what their dominant style of parenting is, what are their intentions and goals for their child when they become an adult and I set them up for success to achieve those goals. If this is of interest to you, schedule a free chat here.
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