End the mom guilt & focus on repair instead
Do you struggle with mom guilt? Beating yourself up when you aren’t as patient with your kid(s) as you would have liked, yelled instead of keeping your cool?
So many of us struggle with the need to be perfect and then feel like we are failing when we don’t live up to our own unrealistic expectations.
That’s what happened to me the other day and I wanted to share it because parenting isn’t about being perfect but the journey and practice, practice, practice.
I live in Toronto where schools are still closed which brings up lots of feelings of frustration and anger for me. The thoughts going through my mind include, why doesn’t the government see that elementary schools, in particular, are as essential as daycare. Last I checked they haven’t changed the laws on when you can leave your child home alone which is not until they are 12 years old. So that alone tells you that elementary schools are not only a place for academic learning but also childcare. Many parents, especially working parents, are burning their candle at both ends trying to juggle their kids’ remoting learning and never-ending demand for snacks as well as their work responsibilities, let alone mental health. Our own needs are likely not being met. If you are fortunate enough to have a child that enjoys remote learning and is engaged then rejoice. If not, know you are not alone!
That brings me to why I lost my sh$t the other day. My 8-year-old has a hard time focusing and sitting still as well as some learning disabilities. He would typically have support in school but that has all be taken away and so it falls predominately on my shoulders. Sometimes it just feels like too much and if I don’t check in with myself and how I am doing, I reach a tipping point.
That day I reached my tipping point and lost it. I was tired, frustrated, and wishing things were different. I said some things I shouldn't have said. The guilt was building and I was starting to beat myself up for being imperfect. “I can't believe I said that.” “I'm making him feel like he's not good enough and I'm just being this terrible mom.” On and on and on…
And yes, I did not make him feel good, but beating myself up was not going to make it better for him or me. Instead, I told myself, “Jenn, you’re human. You made a mistake. You can go back and you can repair.” This is something I teach the parents I work with but I too need to remind myself. Growing up, many of us put our parents up on a pedestal. We viewed them as almighty and perfect. I don’t want my kids to think I am perfect. I want them to know I make mistakes. I want to teach them how to repair. Relationship with our children is about connection and when we do something to break that connection, the shift is to focus on how to bridge the divide.
How? Here are 6 key steps to repair a divide in connection:
Notice there is a divide. Becoming conscious of our impact on our children allows us the opportunity to bridge the divide and reconnect.
Connect with your child + apologize. This can be done through play and shows your child you are human.
Ask your child how they were feeling. This allows them to feel heard, that their feelings matter.
Share your feelings with your child. Caution here. DO NOT BLAME your child for YOUR feelings.
Explore your unmet needs. Need rest, support, cooperation?
Explore a solution together. Make a commitment but don’t promise it will NEVER happen again as this is saying you will be perfect.
This is how things played out with my son after I felt like failing as a parent:
(1) I recognized the things I said left my child feeling like he wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want that. But I shifted from beating myself up, to repair and reconnection.
(2) “I regret what I said because it was hurtful and untrue.” (I did this while sitting beside him and holding him)
(3) “I imagine that you’re feeling sad because of the way mommy spoke to you. Is that right?” (give them space to share how it made them feel)
(4) “I was feeling tired and frustrated. I got really mad and didn’t handle myself well.” (sharing how I felt without blame)
(5) “When we do school work, I need cooperation.” (communicate what you are needing)
(6) “In the future, I’ll do my best to notice when I am getting frustrated and take a break from homeschooling. For now, would it support you if we went for a walk and then did more school work?” (allow them to work with you on possible solutions, especially if they are older than 7)
I moved from making a mistake, feeling shitty about it to taking a pause, regrouping, and going back and repairing. We were both able to move forward feeling seen, heard, and valued which is what connection is all about! Will it happen again? Maybe. But the idea is understanding that we are fallible, we are human, and we can repair and move forward. And that models to our children they don't have to be perfect.
Our parenting journey isn’t only about parenting our children but reparenting ourselves along the way. Many times, our triggers are related to what we learned in our own childhood. 40% of us didn’t grow up with secure attachment. We need to become conscious of the story we tell ourselves and begin reparenting by showing ourselves love and taking care of ourselves and not just our children.
Our life’s work is to recognize our thoughts and belief systems that don’t’ serve us and rewire them. How about we unpack our own baggage so our kids don’t have to carry emotional backpack? And with that, forgive ourselves and practice the art of repair.
Need help to find more peace, calm, and connection in your parenting? Book a free call today!
Much love,
Jenn
