7 Common Parenting Challenges
Being a parent is hard, stressful and can be overwhelming with all the different advice out there. We are human and we ALL make mistakes. Be gentle on yourself and when you do mess up, as we all do, focus on repair.
To help you out, I have put together the most common parenting challenges and tips on how to overcome them so you can parent with confidence and joy!
You can also download my free e-book “7 Common Parenting Challenges and How to Fix Them Fast” here.
Challenge #1: Unrealistic Expectations
I work with many parents and all of them are surprised when we get into brain science and what is realistic for their child’s age. It’s natural that once they start walking and talking and they feel so ‘big’ from those newborn stages that we forget their brain is still so underdeveloped. Think about things like they ‘should’ be sleeping independently to potty learning to self-regulating their big feelings.
Tip
Understand what is realistic for your child’s emotional, physical and mental development (you can download my free e-book here that highlights some key examples) but most importantly, meet your child where they are at. Those growth charts can be frustrating. If your child has a lagging skills, they might need support.
Challenge #2: Requesting before connecting
Do you make requests or sometimes more like demands without considering the situation or connecting with your child first? Think about if a friend, colleague or family member came up to you while you were in the middle of something and made a demand before even saying hello or noticing that you were busy with something. You likely wouldn’t be in the mood to cooperate and be upset at the inconsiderate behaviour. Well that is the same as expecting our child to listen before you have connected with them. It might seem like it will take longer but think about how long it takes to keep repeating yourself and then only to resort to yelling or threats because they didn’t listen.
Tip
Use a pattern interrupter. If you are calling from another room they likely aren’t hearing you and you don’t know if they are engrossed in doing something. Go beside them, at their level and get curious. Ask something about what they are doing. Boom you connected with them, got their attention and now you can make a request.
Check out the next 3 steps to move them towards cooperation in my free ebook.
Challenge #3: Protecting our child from failure
It is so hard to see our child struggle and it is natural that we want to protect them from harm. But there are times we should let them struggle as it will help them develop resiliency (this is hard, but I can do it!) and autonomy (I can do this myself!).
Tip
Allow your child to feel frustration. You can be there to help them find ways to manage those feelings of disappointment but don’t shield him/her from them. Ask yourself, “Am I doing something that my child can really do for himself/herself?”
Let’s say they are stacking blocks and getting frustrated, instead of helping them stack it normalize the struggle. You try stacking it but show how tricky it can be and model how they can use positive self-talk and deep breaths to deal with frustration. Model taking a break and then going back to it.
Challenge #4: Being uncomfortable with child’s big feelings
Do you do everything in your power to avoid a meltdown? Does this lead you to being inconsistent with limit setting? I’ve been there and so have so many of the parents I work with. They swing from control based parenting to permissive parenting usually in an attempt to stop the feelings in their own body.
Tip
Let’s look at a common example like bedtime:
Parent: “Ben, it's time to go for bath.”
Ben: “No!”
Parent: “You’re having fun playing with your blocks aren’t you. It’s hard to stop and go up for a bath. I get it.” (empathize and normalize feelings)
Ben: “Yeah, I hate going to bed. I want to play!”
Parent:”Do you want to walk up the stairs like a gazelle or get a piggy back ride?” (notice that going for a bath is not negotiable but they can choose how they get there.)
Ben: “No! I’m not going!” (kicking and screaming)
Parent: (make sure you are regulated by taking a deep breath and maybe putting a hand on your heart saying “they are having a hard time, NOT giving me a hard time) “Looks like you need my help. I am going to scoop you up and get your to bath”.
Carrying them with love and kindness is the best you can do for them. They will sometimes need your help to keep the limit. In time, they learn that the limit is firm and will be able to regulate their big emotions but until then, they need your help!
If you need help getting comfortable with the uncomfortable book a call with me here.
Challenge #5: Not modelling
Do you tell your kids not to yell only to yell at them? Do you limit their screen time only to scroll social endlessly? If you are following the “Do as I say, not as I do” philosophy you could be making your parenting harder.
Kids learn more from what they see than what they hear.
Tip
If we want our child to develop self-regulation skills then we need to model how we regulate ourselves. Take deep breaths, grab a glass of water, walk away are all strategies you can use that your kids will learn from watching.
But keep in mind that the prefrontal cortex which houses our problem solving skills, impulse control and higher-thinking doesn’t start to develop until age 7 and isn’t fully developed until our mid-twenties. So our role as parents is to help kids develop these skills. We need to co-regulate with them.
Challenge #6: Not taking care of ourselves
This is one of the challenges I see most often with parents I work with. They know all of the parenting strategies but they struggle to implement them in the moment. A common reason for that is if we are running on empty or stressed making it much harder to regulate our own emotions and access our rational thinking, higher-brain. For that reason, taking care of ourselves is anything but selfish. It is essential.
Tip
When we have young children our self-care practices might look different. I recommend starting small. Start with building the emotional vocabulary of your feelings and needs and practice expressing them. Put a reminder in your phone 3-4x a day for a “How am I doing?” check-in. Pause and think about and name what you are feeling and needing. And if you are able to, get that need met.
For example, sometimes we are on autopilot and forget to eat or drink. Use that pause to grab a glass of water or some nuts to eat. Feeling tired? Maybe let those dishes or laundry sit. Dinner can be takeout on days where you are exhausted or dare I say a bowl of cereal. We often beat ourselves up for making a decision like that but if you look at the overall picture, is it better to be tired and yell and scream or feel calmer and more patient and they get cereal for dinner? I vote for cereal!
Challenge #7: Feeling like parenting should be instinctual
Our kids don’t come with an instruction manual. We get an architect to help renovate our homes, a personal trainer and nutritionist to help with our health goals, an accountant to do our taxes yet we feel we should be able to parent without any guidance.
Tip
There is so much evidence based research these days on parenting strategies to raise confidence, resilience, well adjusted humans and you don’t need to figure it all out on your own. A parent coach can help you uncover your blind spots and decode patterns you are having a hard time to break. A parent coach can help you see your child as they truly are versus a projection of your beliefs. THEN you are in a stronger position to implement tools and strategies to be the confident leader in your home. If you want to chat if getting support is a good fit for you, book a complimentary call here.
Is there anything you are struggling with you would like to add to the list and get a tip for? Send me a message here and I will get back to you.
Much love,
Jenn
