The power of holding space
Adam, my 6-year-old has been addicted and so proud of himself for reading his first chapter book, The Bad Guys. Bringing new books into our home isn’t something we set a limit on. The challenge is, Nathan, my 8-year-old, struggles with his reading. I try to teach my boys fair doesn’t mean equal. This isn’t always a concept that is easy to understand for their age and I don’t get upset about that. I explain it in the context of the current situation and then hold space for all the feelings. Your kids are not always going to like what you tell them. That’s ok. Read on to see how this situation played out.
Nathan felt if Adam got new books, so should he. It was a big injustice. I explained that once he finishing reading the book he has, and I had ordered him a new book just the other day, then he could get some more. I also explained that I would like him to finish the first book in the new series he picked to ensure it is a series he will enjoy. But it was hard for him. He was moaning and sulking all morning.
It was time to go for our regular morning walk before the start of remote learning. Nathan didn’t want to go for a walk. My husband tried to motivate him by saying they would take Everest, our cat, along. This jazzed Adam up but only further upset Nathan. This time it was because he was worried Adam would be petting Everest and he wouldn’t be able to see him…it felt like the end of the world. I let him have his feelings. I didn’t try to make him wrong. I listened, this time I wasn’t even repeating back how he was feeling. I just used the power of “hmm, tell me more”. I held space for him to let out his feelings.
Adam, Gord, and Everest had gone outside for their walk. Minutes later, Nathan opened the door saying, “Wait, wait for me. I’m coming”.
Sometimes you just need to give them that space to let out their feelings. He then realized that his worry wasn’t worth missing out on a special walk with Everest.
In the past, I would have just tried to dismiss his feelings. Like: “Come on Nathan, this isn’t a big deal, why do you always make a big deal out of everything!” He would have felt like there was something wrong with him. He wouldn’t have felt seen, heard, or understood. The situation would have just escalated. But just by holding space and making all feelings ok, he was able to move past them instead of getting stuck.
Letting your child move through their feelings helps them not get stuck. This applies to us as mamas and dadas too. If we always stuff our feelings down, eventually we will explode. We need to accept all of our feelings to be able to accept all the feelings of our children. Sometimes it is hardest to give ourselves self-empathy. Practice letting your feelings move through you, instead of getting stuck. Practice holding space and share with me how it goes using #holdingspace here.
