The Mental Load Is Heavy: 10 Tips to Help
When I became a mother I had the idea that I had to be able to do it all. So I became the default parent. Juggling a demanding career, activities and appointments for the boys, meals, laundry, social calendar you name it. The load of managing a home, family and work made me feel like I was drowning. I felt like I was failing, didn’t everyone else juggle all these things as well? It’s it normal?
The thing is when I took on all the responsibilities my resentment built, especially towards my husband. Why wasn’t he worrying about all these things? Why wasn’t he taking on some of these responsibilities? So I would do all the things but then become passive aggressive towards my partner and snap at my kids. It wasn’t working. I broke and then my husband had to see me and the mental load I was carrying.
I didn’t know how to ask for help. I had this thought that others should know what I needed and do it without being asked. If I was being honest, sometimes I didn’t even know what I needed even if someone asked me “how could I help?”. My husband and I started talking about all the things on my ‘to do’ list. We did a brain dump so that we could take a look at all the things I was carrying that he wasn’t even aware of. Now I know if you are a single parent this might feel inaccessible and I wonder if the act of getting all the things out of your head and onto paper can give you help. Sometimes getting all the swirling thoughts in our head out on paper reduces stress. Doesn’t mean we need to get it all done but getting it out of our heads and then perhaps asking ourselves, “what can I let go of?”.
A big part of reducing mental load is unlearning decades of ingrained programming of what we think things ‘should’ look like and unlearning that it is not our responsibility to organize everyone else’s resonsibilities.
I’ve been working from home since the pandemic but recently I started working out of the home 2 days a week and as a result, my husband who now also works from home had to take on additional responsibilities and shuttling kids to activities and getting dinner ready. To make things easier for HIM, I did meal prep on the weekend and I sent him text reminders. As you can see, I am still unlearning. It is NOT my responsibility to do that. So I had to pause and have a transparent conversation with him. The days he was responsible for dinner and kids programs were his and I was available to share tips that worked for me but he needs to figure out what works for him. Not easy to let go of years of programming and beliefs.
Reducing mental load needs open communication. We need to talk about all the things weighing us down.
10 Strategies to Reduce Mental Load
Communication. If you have a partner, have an open communication about your mental load. Talk about what is making you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes just having an open communication about it and feeling seen, heard and understood can reduce the mental load we keep to ourselves.
Brain Dump. Spend sometime doing a brain dump of all the things that are on your to-do list so that you can divide responsibilities, including with your kids.
Partnership mindset. It is not one person’s responsibility to carry it all. Talk about it with your entire family, including with your kids so you can foster an environment where everyone recognizes and appreciates the contributions of other’s.
Share Tasks. Once you have a comprehensive to-do list, talk about who can take on what responsibility. Read my Mabel’s Labels blog “Benefits of Involving Kids in Household Chores”
Prioritize & Simplify. Not everything on the to do list is of equal priority. Focus on what is most important. Look for ways to simplify what is on the list. For example, maybe you do grocery delivery instead of physically going to the grocery store. Maybe you buy more socks and underwear so that laundry doesn’t have to be done as often (something I did 😆).
Set realistic expectations. The goal isn’t to be perfect. What is realistic for everyone living in the house, prioritizing connection over the ‘to-do’ list?
Self-Care. Depending on the season of parenting you are in, self-care will be different but it is important and essential. Download my free guide “The Ultimate Busy Mom Guide to Self-Care” where you will find loads of ideas no matter what season you are in.
Reevaluate Roles. Challenge the idea of who ‘should’ be doing what. Be flexible on how others might do something.
Support-System. Build your network of support, whether it be friends, family or people in your community. Get comfortable with asking for help.
Speak to a coach or therapist. Often times we struggle to ask for help and as I shared, resentment builds. Talking to a professional can help you with the process of unlearning and relearning and in developing new communication strategies and ways to support yourself as you do things differently.
If we don’t share the mental load it can lead to burnout. When we share the mental load we teach out kids proactive responsibility, initiative and teamwork in the home. Skills that will serve them for life. So share the load so that we can break the cycle of parents, especially moms, carrying it all. There will be bumps along the way, others may not be thrilled about doing more. That is OK.
Much love,
Jenn
